Seriously, this is a very hard year to recap. My blog posts about 2017 and 2018 were written in a really smooth way with all the breezes, I really find no difficulties writing them.
It’s different this year, to be honest. A very hard year to recap, also a very hard year that I’ve faced. I was hesitating whether I should write this blog post or not because it’s going to be extremely personal comparing to the last years’, and also I don’t want to be too emotional on my birthday’s eve.
It’s pretty awesome, it’s pretty awful.
You understand happiness the best on the day when the sunlight shades on you, after you’ve strive to climb over and pass all the obstacles you’ve seen.Mary
Yeah, we have ups and downs. But sticking to that “down” time, imagining that you would never get over it, is such a terrible feeling.
Seeing which part of being a good human we’ve lacked is essential in order to be a part of the “social community”. Yet I know I adhered to it so, so, much. I just can’t stop seeing myself as an imperfect guy, failing to behave like what every human being should do.
I always have a goal of changing the lives of people whom I’ve touched. It’s the goal that I felt like I’ve never achieved, perhaps.
ขอบคุณมากครับพี่แทน ถ้าไม่มีพี่แทนผมคงมาไม่ถึงจุดนี้ครับ ขอบคุณจริงๆ ครับSanurak
But it’s not that bad maybe? I just learned with confidence that I can change people’s perspectives. Those feelings are wonderful, and hey, I felt like I’m a little more worthwhile!
Still, I think I can do more. There are still so many things I wanted to do, so many lives I wished to touch, so many commitments I wanted to achieve.
Perhaps let’s try them in the upcoming decade?
I love myself less.
Seriously, I don’t even think I love myself. There are aspects of me that I’m so proud of. I’m proud of having so-called feminine feelings. I’m proud of some of my achievements. There are things that can make me smile, and I’m glad that at least I appreciated that.
Change from talking about appreciation to love and the answers are totally flipped, however. I never think of myself as someone who deserved love. Even loving myself.
I always know that love is such a worthwhile feeling. I think I know how to love someone, even I’m not certain I’m good at loving someone or not. People keep saying that ones can’t love others if they don’t love themselves. If that’s true then maybe I don’t really know how to love someone.
But you know what? Despite having thoughts that I never deserved love, I always feel others’ people love around me. I feel being loved by people who I cared so much. I was fulfilled to the level that I felt bad for believing that I can’t fulfil them like what they’ve done to me. I hurt their feelings, I offended them, I made them care about me too much and care about themselves less.
To everyone whom I love, and to everyone who loved me
Your kind words, touches, understandings, and empathy to me is very worthwhile. I can’t be grateful enough for your positive vibes.
I’m sorry. I know I’m a troublemaker. And of course, I know you’ll hate me for saying something like this. I just really wanted to be sincere with you about how I really felt about myself, and I hope you understand that.
I’m sure that those are things you don’t want to hear me saying about how negative I am, so I will promise this: I’ll learn how to love better. I’ll love you more, and certainly, I’ll learn to love myself more. It takes time, to be honest, but I’ll devote myself to it.
Actually, I think I’m one more step into understanding what love is. After a long decision, I just decided to receive treatments with a psychiatrist because I wanted to be better at loving myself, so I could love you better and be less troublesome. This wouldn’t be impossible without all of you giving me care and love thus making me believe I’m worthwhile in some way. So, thank you for being a giant leap in changing myself–it might sound like you’ve done nothing perhaps, but without you, I would be standing at the same valley of depression.
My friend once told me that I’m a wonderful person. Despite not totally believing this, I just wanted to tell you that I’m trying my best to be better.
I really appreciated what you all have done for me. For me, it can’t be more worthwhile.
ขออภัยที่ทำให้อาจจะรู้สึกว่าคาดหวัง แต่สำหรับคุณคนที่มีระดับการคาดหวังด้วยตนเองสูงอยู่แล้ว ผมคงบอกว่าโดยส่วนตัวไม่เคยกังวลหรือคาดหวัง และผมคิดว่าไม่จำเป็นมากที่จะต้องพึ่งพาความคาดหวัง แต่คิดว่าน่าจะเน้นที่การ support น่าจะเหมาะกว่าAjarn Jittat, https://twitter.com/jittat/status/1191914645952446464
I don’t know if I set my expectations too high or not. It appears as I’ve failed at so, so, many things.
I seriously have no idea what other people are expecting at me. Sometimes I felt like I’ve satisfied their expectations, but most of the time I felt like I’m some kind of failure. To be honest, I don’t think it’s Imposter syndrome–there is still a lot for me to explore, and I’m only a small guy in this world.
What I fear about is we are all driven by expectations in this world. I’m expecting a degree from my university, my professor is expecting my work (perhaps?), recruiters are expecting me as their candidate employees while I expect adequate compensation from them.
I could never think of how much others are expecting at me. It’s a neverending topic, and I’m always set my neverending expectations. But screw it maybe?
แต่ก็คือ เธอรู้ตัวเองแล้ว เธอก็ควรจะปัดๆ มันออกไปบ้างเวลาเธอมาคิดรู้สึกผิด กับสิ่งที่มันไม่ได้ผิดเลยNicha
It hurts being me.
I must admit that sometimes I don’t think the world is kind enough to me, but well, I can’t change that. All I can change is myself as part of others’ worlds.
I don’t know if I’m too harsh to the others or not, also I don’t know whether someone will feel bad about me being too kind or not too.
I know I hurt people too. It’s not an excuse, but sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just wanted you to know that I hurt too when you’re hurt by me. Yes, I know I deserved that, but please accept my apology for all the offences I’ve made.
Good times, bad times
ชีวิตไม่เคยหยุด ยืนไปอยู่อย่างนี้ บางทีก็มีสุข บางทีก็มีทุกข์Jabaja – BNK48
The truth of the world I needed to learn on coping it in a better manner.
I sucked at accepting changes. This could be because of my behavioural syndrome (diagnosed by a psychiatrist). But changes should be challenging and I should learn to deal with it in a challenging way.
And this too shall pass
This section–the post’s conclusion–was finished even before the main body of this post. I just wanted to say to my future self that despite all the mistakes and hard times, I’ve passed them all.
Getting over your guilts, mistakes, worries, or any kind of negative feelings is such a hard thing. It takes time, courage, motivation, and of course countless drops of tears.
I don’t want to set any resolutions. I just wanted to be my better self, just a little bit better day by day is okay. I wanted to smile more, make people around me smile more, embrace how things around me revolve, and surely embrace in myself.
Despite everything, it’s still you.